I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize