Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
