I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
