She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize