i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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