I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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