i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so let's talk penis.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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