That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
