i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize