ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
