I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
