i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
