I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
