if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Blood and glitter go together right?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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