Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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