What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Alive.
So much puke
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
