hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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