I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I AM VODKA MAN
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
