my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
