mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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