dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How does it feel to date your dad?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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