omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
