If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
