High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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