Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
