Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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