we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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