my soul wont recognize me after tonight
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
