there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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