foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
