I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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