But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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