Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
