You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
