I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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