I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
