allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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