I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
