But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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