Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
one two three fourrrrnication!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
