I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
