I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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