I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
