I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize