tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
