I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
