And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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