dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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