When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize