Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize