Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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