My room smells like vodka and shame
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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