I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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