my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
