i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
