I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
