You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize