i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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