he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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