You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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