I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think my mom watched the whole time
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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