How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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