Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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