I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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