We're like a lot better than the average bears
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
