Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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