That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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