i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
