I accidentally had phone sex last night
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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