How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's Friday. Sex?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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